Self-Destructive Leadership: How to Break the Cycle

There is a phenomenon that occurs repeatedly in contemporary culture. We will call them self-destructive leaders. People who hold positions of authority, who got there because they were brilliant or experienced, but then destroy themselves. In fact, we have all asked ourselves at some point: How can such an intelligent person do something so stupid? The reason for this self-destruction? Their IQ may have been the highest in the company, but their emotional intelligence was woefully low. For the record, emotional intelligence is the sum total of a leader: 1. Self-awareness 2. Self-management 3. Social awareness 4. Relationship management Some of the most common self-destructive habits among leaders are ones we have all seen. They are habits or behaviours that team members rarely mention in a meeting, but discuss behind people's backs. They can even be embarrassing. They are all the result of a leader lacking a sense of emotional security and, consequently, seeking it through the power they possess. Authors such as Daniel Goleman have stated that leaders will never attract someone whose leadership ability is greater than their own. People follow leaders they respect as better leaders than themselves. It is the Law of Respect. And I believe it is generally true. Every rule, however, has an exception. The exception to this rule is simply this: there are cases in which people will follow a leader with less leadership ability if that leader is emotionally secure. When a leader is secure, they are:

Free to acknowledge the superior strengths of others.
Free to be transparent and admit their own shortcomings.
Free to empower team members so they can perform.
Free to create an environment and culture where there are no “lids”.

It is estimated that between 30 and 70 per cent of leaders fail in their role. This is partly because these leaders display specific behaviours that make them more likely to fail. These behaviours are known as counterproductive behaviours, and the problem is that leaders are not always aware of the negative impact they have on others. One of the five groups of self-destructive behaviours is the inability to build relationships. These leaders are arrogant, competitive and insensitive to their subordinates. The second counterproductive behaviour is failure to meet objectives. These leaders handle setbacks ineffectively. They engage in finger-pointing and blame others for problems. They are untrustworthy, tend to become distracted and lose focus. The third behaviour that leads to leadership failure is the inability to lead and build a team. These leaders are not experts in the field they lead and tend to hire employees who are similar to them or less capable than they are. The fourth behaviour is an inability to adapt. These leaders dislike change within the company and changes in the people who depend on them. The final behaviour is inadequate preparation for promotion, where leaders have limited technical backgrounds and lack the breadth and depth of leadership required for their new responsibilities. These leaders dislike change within the company and changes in the people who depend on them.

In my professional life, I have encountered leaders who embody these counterproductive behaviours. What can one do when caught in the drift of self-destructive leadership? Especially for people in recovery, making healthy decisions and curbing self-destructive behaviours is essential to long-term success. Breaking bad habits is challenging, but these tips can help you stop unhealthy behaviours before they lead to a slip or relapse.

1. Break the cycle of shame.

Shame is a negative feeling directed at yourself, such as saying: “I am a bad person” rather than “I did something bad”. Shame often drives self-destructive behaviours in an attempt to relieve that pain. Continuing those behaviours perpetuates shame and leads to more self-destructive behaviours. This can be a difficult cycle to break. Start by replacing small harmful behaviours with healthy ones that foster pride, the antithesis of shame. For example, instead of telling a white lie, tell the truth. Take responsibility for your small messes and make positive lifestyle choices that promote good physical and mental health. Improving your self-image will help you let go of shame and make you less likely to engage in the behaviours that bring it back.

2. Do not believe negative self-talk.

Breaking a self-destructive habit is not easy, and negative self-talk only makes it harder. Telling yourself that you are weak or stupid is not only destructive in itself; it is also untrue. Identifying and changing harmful ways of thinking can go a long way towards curbing self-destructive patterns of behaviour. The next time you have a negative thought about yourself, stop, think and reframe it in a more positive way. For example, instead of saying, “I am weak,” say, “I feel weak right now, but I know I can do this.”

3. Get support.

The power of support from friends, family and peers cannot be underestimated. If you are trying to break a bad habit, the encouragement and perspectives of others are invaluable. Tell a friend, family member or support group member which behaviours you are trying to change. Ask them to encourage you and help hold you accountable. Supportive friends and loved ones can empower and encourage you, and offer wisdom when you are going through a difficult time.

4. Use failure to learn.

You will probably not be able to change all your self-destructive behaviours overnight, but you can use your failures to learn better ways to curb them next time. Think about what made you choose to engage in a self-destructive behaviour against your better judgement, then consider ways to overcome that obstacle next time. The attitude with which you face failure helps determine the final outcome. For example, if you use drugs or alcohol while in recovery and punish yourself for it by engaging in negative self-talk, you are more likely to experience a full relapse than if you assess the situation, learn what you can from it to help you cope better next time, forgive yourself and move on.

5. Prepare in advance.

Becoming aware of what triggers unhealthy habits can help you prevent yourself from engaging in them. Once you find yourself in a difficult situation, be aware of your thoughts, feelings and attitudes, and try your coping strategy. If you fail, use that failure to learn what you could do differently next time. Many of our most destructive habits can be changed through coaching, training or other development activities. However, not all problematic leadership behaviours are so easy to change. Even when they show early signs of change, some reappear over time. Despite well-intentioned efforts, many of us struggle to sustain the new and improved version of ourselves. Pressures and triggers can cause us to revert to familiar, though unwanted, behaviour.

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